Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
