i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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