Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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