My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
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