if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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