i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
