Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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