my phone cant type all the emotion im having
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
