god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
