you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
