my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
