pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
