i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
