Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Randomize
