If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
