My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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