Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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