i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
