sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
