"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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