I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
