Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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