And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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