No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
