My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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