Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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