just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
