dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
