Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Plan B is the new Plan A
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
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