Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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