Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
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Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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