I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Randomize
