you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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