No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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