We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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