If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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