Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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