Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
