Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
