I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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