woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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