I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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