As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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