hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
