My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
