when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
