I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
