Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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