The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
