I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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