I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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