from now on my penis is your penis
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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