I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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