I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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