I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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