woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
