Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
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