my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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