I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
