My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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