I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
